Bold Moves October: paying it forward.

Our power went out at 4:30 am this morning.  Ever have that happen in a large apartment building?  If you have, you've probably noticed that the emergency exit signs give off a high pitched, consistent noise that needs to be manually shut off.  When your onsite manager is out of the country and has someone temporarily taking her place, that doesn't happen right away, which means you've probably been awake since 4:30.  Or at least, I have.

Oy.

In addition to that, I had to get bloodwork done this morning at 9 am, which meant no eating or drinking anything - not that I could have, because the power was still out - but it meant my crankiness was in overload.

When I got to the office, there was only one open parking spot, and I saw it long after I passed it.  I quickly turned around, but by the time I got back to it and put my directional on, another woman had pulled up.  She took one look at me, one look at the spot, and took it.

I immediately became crazy annoyed, shooting dirty looks in her direction, until I realized a spot had opened up three cars away.  Had I taken a deep breath and recognized that she knew this before I did, and therefore knew I'd have a parking spot, all would have been well.  But I didn't.  I fumed and fumed, and then passing her in the walkway, made a not-so-nice remark, which I immediately regretted but was too embarassed to face.  I went to my appointment and spent the entire time feeling so utterly guilty and awful for behaving such a way.  Was she a total stranger and did her opinion matter?  Yes and no.  But when you're trying to put good energy into the world and you're a work in progress, sometimes you slip.

On my way back to my car, I realized she hadn't left yet, so I quickly grabbed a piece of paper, wrote a very quick "I'm sorry, bad day, you were right, hope this covers your parking, have a great day", stuck a few bills inside the folded up paper, and popped it on her windshield.  First step?  Admitting I'm wrong.  Second step?  Trying to rectify... well, sort of.

On my way home, assuming our power wasn't back on (which it wasn't), I got in the crazy long Starbucks drive thru line, desperate for a latte.  When I approached the window to pay, I asked the barista if I could add value to my Starbucks card and then pay for my drink, and he said he'd be happy to add the value, but my drink was already paid for.

Say what?!

Turns out, today Starbucks started their Pay it Forward program, and the woman in front of me bought me my latte.  The barista asked if I'd like to keep it going, and I said absolutely!  (I used to do this religiously while driving to camp every weekend by paying the toll fare for the car behind me, before EZ Pass was invented.)  He mentioned I was the 6th car in a row to do this, and he was interested to see how long that chain could last.  The other barista working with him was totally jazzed to hear another customer had participated, and it was so wonderfully refreshing to see people championing such kind acts, especially in an industry that can sometimes be more demeaning than rewarding.

When I got home, I realized I spent the entire drive beaming, not because of my free latte, but because I bought a total strange breakfast.  When facing a bad day or things that can be annoying, its hard to remember that elation that comes from random acts of kindness.  So today's #BMO?  Paying it forward, and remembering to do it often.

Bold Moves October: better late than never!

I have been severely unmotivated lately.  It started with not feeling well, which caused me to miss a few yoga classes, and then it snowballed from there, and its been driving me nuts.  I finally took a step in the right direction last night and made a new recipe (easy one skillet lasagna; its so easy and SO good) and bought art supplies over the weekend, so I am slowly (but very surely!) trying to motivate myself to do anything.

Last night, as I was scrolling through my blog feed and keeping my fingers crossed for a Dodger win, I came across a post regarding Bold Moves October.  I am probably the last person on the planet to be aware of any sort of blog-related movement, but the post in question was about allowing yourself to say no so that you can open up space for more joy, and I was intrigued.  Doing a little digging this morning, I came across the source, and now that I've read a lot of entries, I am totally into it.  I love the idea of challenging oneself - I've always loved a challenge - and facing a fear or an anxiety and really noticing, what is the big deal?  What is the worst that could happen?

Everyone has definitive regrets in their life.  I do my best to not focus on the things I should have done, but rather the things I can control moving forward, but sometimes you get stuck in the downward spiral of "why didn't I study abroad? why didn't I reapply for that position?"  And, even in the face of knowing you may regret NOT doing something, it can sometimes be difficult to find self-motivation to do it in the first place.  This kind of daily challenge is exactly what I needed, when I needed it.  (Again, I say - ask the Universe, and you shall recieve!)

I have made a few choices recently that I'd consider bold moves, but for starters here, I'll mention that I'm planning on going to my first belly dancing class Thursday night.  I've never been to a belly dancing class, and thought about going last week, but totally chickened out.  And for what?  What is the worst that could happen?  I make a fool out of myself? I do that on a regular basis - at least I'll be burning some calories while doing it!

I'll keep track of my progress and am interested to see what comes out of this crazy little experiment.  After all, as the rules say, the first week will be harrowing and the last will be enlightening, and I could use a little enlightenment.

Blogtember: Put the phone away.

Saturday night, we went to the LA County Fair.  I've never been, but my idea of a county fair is the local on back east - dirt field, carnival rides, fried dough, and weather that necessitates a sweater and a knit hat.  Imagine my surprise when we arrived at the LACF ("the largest county fair in the world," C reminded me,) to a Disneyland-esque parking situation, complete with a tram to the entrance, and tons and tons of people.  (And 80 degree weather.)

I decided that before we went, I would take one or two pictures with my phone, but that was it.  No checking it to see if I got a random text message, no scrolling through my news feed, nothing.  In the past few months I've really been feeling like my phone is such a cop out, and Louie C.K.'s recent discussion on Conan that's gone viral has really, really gotten me thinking about it.  (Here's a great yoga-centric post about it from YogaDork.)  I originally planned on having phone detox Sundays, but that became a problem when football season started and I needed to keep an eye on my Fantasy score.  I then decided that I'd just ixnay the phone usage after 6 pm on Sundays, substantially easier now that Breaking Bad is almost over and most of my news feed are east coast watchers.  (Yet, that said, Breaking Bad IS ALMOST OVER and that means after next Sunday I'll need to find a new excuse.)

While we were at the fair, I did only take a few pictures, including cute bunnies who were snuggling together in their pen, and a photo and video of C bungee jumping (BUNGEE JUMPING!).  I managed to avoid Facebook altogether, and unsuccessfully tried to post a photo to Instagram.  I noticed I was much more aware of what was going on, how I was feeling, and what we were doing, so much so that now, three days later, I'm still remembering details that I would have definitely forgotten by now had I been engrossed in my phone.


The irony is not lost on me that last night I got to a chapter in Yeah Dave's "Living in the Moment" about the exact same thing.  The idea that time you enjoy wasting isn't actually wasting time.  (Or something like that.)  In a society where we equate productivity with success, its easy to fall into the 'I have to check my email, I have to call this person, I have to do this thing,' to feel like we've accomplished something.  Take it from me - my office phone is an iPhone and it pretty much follows me wherever I go, so no wonder I've been contemplating running away to a cabin in the woods with a bunch of books and no internet in sight.  But some of the best moments in life are truly the ones where we stop to take in what's around us, what's happening, and how we're feeling.  And that can be scary.

My summers spent in Maine used to be like this.  When we first started camping there, I'm pretty sure they didn't have wifi yet, and I certainly didn't have a cell phone or a laptop.  Days meant going for long bike rides, reading by the lake (one weekend I read 4 books, and I still remember doing it!) and playing cards on the picnic table.  Even in the more recent years, when I did have a smartphone, it was far easier for me to ignore it in that environment.  It meant I was out making memories and spending time with people I cared about, rather than taking photos of said memories to then post to the world.

The more this lesson keeps popping up in my 'sphere, the more I become aware that I miss the days where smartphones didn't exist.  Sure, its a great tool in many ways, and by no means am I regretting having one.  (The paranoid 'what if there's an emergency?' part of me outwins that battle every time.)  But I am going to be much more cognizant about how much of those calm, quiet moments I waste scrolling my news feed or playing Tetris.  One of my favorite things to do on Saturday mornings post-yoga is to open our balcony door, listen to the birds, and drink a cup of coffee in silence.  I just need to remember that feeling whenever I feel the 'grab the phone' itch.

Blogtember: A skeptical ESFJ

Last week I mentioned that some of the Blogtember posts have REALLY been hitting home.  When you ask the Universe for some guidance, it will give you guidance, just in ways you don't quite see, and today's prompt is no joke.

A little back story: a few weeks ago, C and I went to dinner with a good friend of mine and her good friend, who I had met once before.  We had a really great conversation over dinner which lead to her recommending to me a book called "Do What You Are".  She mentioned that she had been in a job for years that she was, for the most part, happy doing, but something was off, and lo and behold, this book showed that her personality was ill fitted for the work she was doing, and it totally changed her perspective on careers and jobs.  She recommended I check it out, take the personality test, and see where it guides me.  I bought the book used on Amazon, and have slowly been working through it the past few weeks.  Let me tell you, figuring out your personality is not black and white!

I mentioned this book to Jillian last week, and then had to laugh when I saw that today's prompt was taking an online version of the personality test.  What are the odds?!

Here are my results:

ESFJ

Extravert(44%)  Sensing(12%)  Feeling(62%)  Judging(56%)

• You have moderate preference of Extraversion over Introversion (44%)
• You have slight preference of Sensing over Intuition (12%)
• You have distinctive preference of Feeling over Thinking (62%)
• You have moderate preference of Judging over Perceiving (56%)

Before I go into details, what I find really humorous about this is that when I first took the test via the book, I thought I was one personality type.  Then, as the book suggests, I looked at the things that I was more or less halfway on (Sensing/Intuition, Judging/Perceiving) and swapped sides, and looked at that personality, and thought it was mostly fitting but not 100%.  I read both types to two friends, looking for their input, and both said, without a doubt, I was type #2, which shocked me.  I take the personality test online and lo and behold, type #2.

Here are a few highlights:

• Guardians of birthdays, holidays and celebrations, ESFJs are generous entertainers. They enjoy and joyfully observe traditions and are liberal in giving, especially where custom prescribes.

Uh, yeah.  As my family and close friends know, my birthday is celebrated all March long.  I love all holidays as well, and can easily turn anything into a celebration.  (I went to yoga today? Celebratory cronuts for everyone!)

• ESFJs enjoy being in charge. They see problems clearly and delegate easily, work hard and play with zest. ESFJs, as do most SJs, bear strong allegiance to rights of seniority. They willingly provide service (which embodies life's meaning) and expect the same from others.

There is a reason why I was president of my high school Student Council.  This would also explain my desire to be involved in committees and groups.

• An ESFJ at odds with self is a remarkable sight. When a decision must be made, especially one involving the risk of conflict (abhorrent to ESFJs), there ensues an in-house wrestling match between the aforementioned black-and-white Values and the Nemesis of Discord. The contender pits self against self, once firmly deciding with the Right, then switching to Prudence to forestall hostilities, countered by unswerving Values, ad exhaustium, winner take all.

In lamens terms, I really struggle with deciding where to go out to eat on a weekly basis. I am my own worst enemy.

My journey on discovering my personality and learning my strengths and weaknesses has been really fascinating.  I'm taking is super slow with the book, often rereading sections or chapters to make sure I'm really understanding things, and its been enlightening.  It has also helped me recognize personality traits in others, and helped me slowly become much more understanding and empathetic.  If you haven't taken the online test, I highly recommend it.  Totally worth your time.

Now, what to eat for lunch...

Blogtember: 3 months.

*I have been 100% slacking already on Blogtember.  Not the best start, right?  I've felt uninspired, but the whole point of Blogtember is to follow the prompts so I don't have to muster up the energy and figure out what to write.  So, be ready for me to attempt to pay catch up.  (Yes, I get that's kind of anti-Blogtember, but there are so many great prompts, I don't want to miss out!)

Do you ever have one of those moments where a friend will bring up a topic to you, and you've totally been thinking about it for a while, and it feels sort of like kismet that (s)he mentions it at all?  This is sort of how I feel about today's Blogtember prompt, on how I would spend 3 months off from from life.  I've spent a lot - A LOT - of time lately ruminating over what I'd be doing if I could do anything (dream big, kids!) and when Jenni at SoML posted her Blogtember prompts, I laughed when I saw that day 2 was exactly what I had been thinking about.

First and foremost, I'd travel.  Another cross country road trip, starting with Yosemite, then criss-crossing down to New Orleans, and back up the east coast to see family.

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Then I'd look this fear of flying square in the face, and go to Ireland; sit in pubs all day and drink and make friends, go on long walks, and buy a bunch of wool scarves to ship back to California that I'll never get to wear (but will always be a fun reminder.)  I'd then make my way back to London for a redux; last time I was there, I was 10, and got homesick and got sent home early.  I have some catching up to do... which is really just code for shopping at Harrods.  I'd then make my way to Paris, FINALLY, and drink wine with every meal and people watch.  I may even skip the Louvre and instead run the Champs Elysees.

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Then, Italy.  Lots and lots of Italy.  Florence, Rome, Tuscany, Cinque Terre.  Writing, eating, taking pictures... do you see a pattern here?

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Besides the reading, eating, writing and photograph taking, I'd also do my damnedest to detox on the social media front.  I've already been attempting Sunday detoxing (which is now going to be difficult to maintain with fantasy football season) because I think I just spend too much of my free time checking in on everyone else and not in on myself.  What more could I accomplish in the minutes or hours a day I spend checking my phone?  A lot, I think.

Could I live three months without Facebook and Instagram?  Well, maybe Facebook..

Upside down.

I've never done a cartwheel.  Not once.  Not even as a kid.  I've never been able to.

I was always jealous of my friends who seemed to, so naturally, be able to flip themselves over.  You totally take for granted your flexibility and resilience as a kid, and your lack of fear.  But the one thing that always scared me was flipping myself over.  My best friend even took me to her trampoline one day to try and teach me how, and I totally freaked out and faceplanted on the trampoline.  There was just no way I was getting my feet over my head on purpose.

C has been waking up early 2-3 days a week to attend a morning hatha class at our yoga studio, and comes back not only totally energized but enthusiastic about the class and the instructor, Nathan.  When I saw that Nathan was subbing for the Sunday morning vinyasa class, I figured it was the best time to see what all the raving was about.  I normally like to sit in the back of the class, but C encouraged me to pull my mat right up front with his, as Nathan encourages everyone to sit up front - and he echoed this sentiment by calling us all 'valedictorians' while the back of the class were the kids who 'smoked under the bleachers', totally joking of course.

I don't have a lot of upper body strength, so I'm always struggling with my down dog.  I've gotten better, mostly because I've just been practicing at home, but for a while it was an ego battle - I'd get frustrated in class that I couldn't hold it and then would feel embarrassed that I'd have to get into childs pose to recover, even when every yoga instructor I've had has always said to 'honor your practice and body' and do whatever feels right.  Because of this, many of my first yoga classes were emotional ones, and it drove me crazy.  I'm supposed to come out of yoga feeling peaceful and energized, not pouting!

For whatever reason, this weekend was the first time where I overcame that feeling.  Maybe it was the environment, maybe it was new perspective that came from heartbreaking news earlier in the week (more on that later), I don't know.  What I do know is that I was feeling comfortable and not frustrated, which then lead to this:

Headstands.

Headstands, my friends.  If you think my fear of doing a cartwheel is silly, imagine how I must feel when it comes to headstands.  I have opted out of this portion of many a yoga class, simply because there is no freakin' way I'm going to put my feet up over my head.  I don't have the upper body strength - I can't even hold myself up during down dog!  And you want me to do what?

Because I was the only new person in this class, Nathan casually called me out by asking if anyone in the class had never done a headstand before, and I raised my hand.  (I only realized afterwards that I was literally the only student he had never taught, and therefore he already knew the answer.  Sneaky.)  While he started going through the prep steps to a headstand, I sat on my mat immediately thinking "nope, no, no way," while figuring out a polite way to refuse this man's encouragement without seeming like a total brat.  Then, to add to the pressure encouragement, he went over to C and asked him to demonstrate.  (He's well aware we're in a relationship, so he totally knew what he was doing when asking this!)  C had just shown me his headstand the day before, and I knew he could do it, but was proud and impressed nonetheless when he got up there and didn't need any support.  Applause was all around.

I got into my prep work and after visiting with other students, Nathan came by to check on me.  "How are you feeling?  Is this easy?" and I let out a tiny fit of laughter.  I knew I was totally resistant to doing this, yet here I was, prepping like I was actually going to do it, which I found hilarious.  He left me alone, wandered around to other students, and then finally came back.  "Want to try?" he asked, and I must have said okay, because the next thing I knew, I had one leg up in his hands, then the other, and then I was inverted.  When the realization hit me that I was doing something that I had been completely afraid of, I let out an instinctual, small yelp, which everyone around me laughed at.  He gave me pointers (feet straight, bring in the ribs, bring in the ribs) and encouragement, and after a few seconds, let me down, and everyone applauded.  I couldn't believe it.  I did a headstand!  What the hell?!

I came out of that class beaming with energy and excitement, feeling totally motivated to keep going.  When I mentioned to C that I was so proud of myself (something that I rarely feel) he mentioned that Nathan was barely holding me, and I really was holding the majority of my weight, when I was convinced Nathan was holding me up.

It is one thing to overcome a challenge and to feel proud for doing so, but another to overcome a fear.  To be able to come out on the other side and say "that wasn't so bad" or even "I want to do it again!" (which I totally do) is HUGE.  C mentioned that I tend to have a mentality of "I can't do this" rather than "I can't do this today", and the difference between the two is astounding.  Accepting that you can't do something at this moment changes its meaning - you no longer are telling yourself no, you're just telling yourself later, which are the small building blocks to going from "I can't do this" to "I will do this someday."  Although I definitely couldn't get my feet up on the wall for a hand stand this time, Nathan's quiet "next week" response was encouragement that it will happen eventually, which is a lesson in patience and acceptance that has slowly started rooting itself in my being.  How does that saying go?  Courage is saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'?

Something like that.

Return on investment

My yoga studio has a program called the 100 Exclusive, which offers some pretty amazing deals for the first 100 students to sign up.  I had been eyeing the deal of $75 a month for unlimited yoga since my first week at the studio, but kept debating.  At the time, I had just bought a month unlimited and was unsure of whether it would even pay for itself. (I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but I tend to be non-committal to certain things...)

Anyway, my month ran up last week and I spent the next 7 days going back and forth.  Although it may not seem like a lot, right now, $75 is an investment for me financially.  It's 3 nights out to eat; its 3 movies (ugh, I hate even saying that); its chairs for our neglected balcony; its 3/4ths of a day at Disneyland.  I've been trying to be better about "impulse" shopping, and allowing myself to sleep on something before buying it, regardless of what it is.  I slept on this for SEVEN days.  SEVEN!

I finally decided that I was going to let the universe guide me with this.  I was in desperate need of some restorative, so I made a plan that I'd go to restorative Tuesday night, and on my way in, inquire about the $75 deal.  If it was available, I'd sign up.  If it wasn't, I'd buy a series (way less of a deal) and chalk it up to the fact that the universe did not deem me ready.

The owner was actually working the desk when I arrived, and I introduced myself.  I asked about the deal, and he said there was just a few spots left.  I immediately signed up, and we began talking about the studio.  I mentioned that financials are all relative, but $75 a month is definitely an investment on my end, but I felt really good about it, and I was committing.  He gave me a high five and said, "you are going to see a return on this investment throughout everything in your life."  And it is 100% true.  It may not be instantaneous, and it may take practice (after all, that's what yoga is) but it will certainly come back to me in ways I probably can't even imagine.  That's what an investment is after all, right?  Something you will see results from weeks, months or years down the road.

For $75 I'm on board to see just what those returns are.