Upside down.

I've never done a cartwheel.  Not once.  Not even as a kid.  I've never been able to.

I was always jealous of my friends who seemed to, so naturally, be able to flip themselves over.  You totally take for granted your flexibility and resilience as a kid, and your lack of fear.  But the one thing that always scared me was flipping myself over.  My best friend even took me to her trampoline one day to try and teach me how, and I totally freaked out and faceplanted on the trampoline.  There was just no way I was getting my feet over my head on purpose.

C has been waking up early 2-3 days a week to attend a morning hatha class at our yoga studio, and comes back not only totally energized but enthusiastic about the class and the instructor, Nathan.  When I saw that Nathan was subbing for the Sunday morning vinyasa class, I figured it was the best time to see what all the raving was about.  I normally like to sit in the back of the class, but C encouraged me to pull my mat right up front with his, as Nathan encourages everyone to sit up front - and he echoed this sentiment by calling us all 'valedictorians' while the back of the class were the kids who 'smoked under the bleachers', totally joking of course.

I don't have a lot of upper body strength, so I'm always struggling with my down dog.  I've gotten better, mostly because I've just been practicing at home, but for a while it was an ego battle - I'd get frustrated in class that I couldn't hold it and then would feel embarrassed that I'd have to get into childs pose to recover, even when every yoga instructor I've had has always said to 'honor your practice and body' and do whatever feels right.  Because of this, many of my first yoga classes were emotional ones, and it drove me crazy.  I'm supposed to come out of yoga feeling peaceful and energized, not pouting!

For whatever reason, this weekend was the first time where I overcame that feeling.  Maybe it was the environment, maybe it was new perspective that came from heartbreaking news earlier in the week (more on that later), I don't know.  What I do know is that I was feeling comfortable and not frustrated, which then lead to this:

Headstands.

Headstands, my friends.  If you think my fear of doing a cartwheel is silly, imagine how I must feel when it comes to headstands.  I have opted out of this portion of many a yoga class, simply because there is no freakin' way I'm going to put my feet up over my head.  I don't have the upper body strength - I can't even hold myself up during down dog!  And you want me to do what?

Because I was the only new person in this class, Nathan casually called me out by asking if anyone in the class had never done a headstand before, and I raised my hand.  (I only realized afterwards that I was literally the only student he had never taught, and therefore he already knew the answer.  Sneaky.)  While he started going through the prep steps to a headstand, I sat on my mat immediately thinking "nope, no, no way," while figuring out a polite way to refuse this man's encouragement without seeming like a total brat.  Then, to add to the pressure encouragement, he went over to C and asked him to demonstrate.  (He's well aware we're in a relationship, so he totally knew what he was doing when asking this!)  C had just shown me his headstand the day before, and I knew he could do it, but was proud and impressed nonetheless when he got up there and didn't need any support.  Applause was all around.

I got into my prep work and after visiting with other students, Nathan came by to check on me.  "How are you feeling?  Is this easy?" and I let out a tiny fit of laughter.  I knew I was totally resistant to doing this, yet here I was, prepping like I was actually going to do it, which I found hilarious.  He left me alone, wandered around to other students, and then finally came back.  "Want to try?" he asked, and I must have said okay, because the next thing I knew, I had one leg up in his hands, then the other, and then I was inverted.  When the realization hit me that I was doing something that I had been completely afraid of, I let out an instinctual, small yelp, which everyone around me laughed at.  He gave me pointers (feet straight, bring in the ribs, bring in the ribs) and encouragement, and after a few seconds, let me down, and everyone applauded.  I couldn't believe it.  I did a headstand!  What the hell?!

I came out of that class beaming with energy and excitement, feeling totally motivated to keep going.  When I mentioned to C that I was so proud of myself (something that I rarely feel) he mentioned that Nathan was barely holding me, and I really was holding the majority of my weight, when I was convinced Nathan was holding me up.

It is one thing to overcome a challenge and to feel proud for doing so, but another to overcome a fear.  To be able to come out on the other side and say "that wasn't so bad" or even "I want to do it again!" (which I totally do) is HUGE.  C mentioned that I tend to have a mentality of "I can't do this" rather than "I can't do this today", and the difference between the two is astounding.  Accepting that you can't do something at this moment changes its meaning - you no longer are telling yourself no, you're just telling yourself later, which are the small building blocks to going from "I can't do this" to "I will do this someday."  Although I definitely couldn't get my feet up on the wall for a hand stand this time, Nathan's quiet "next week" response was encouragement that it will happen eventually, which is a lesson in patience and acceptance that has slowly started rooting itself in my being.  How does that saying go?  Courage is saying, 'I will try again tomorrow'?

Something like that.

Return on investment

My yoga studio has a program called the 100 Exclusive, which offers some pretty amazing deals for the first 100 students to sign up.  I had been eyeing the deal of $75 a month for unlimited yoga since my first week at the studio, but kept debating.  At the time, I had just bought a month unlimited and was unsure of whether it would even pay for itself. (I don't know if you've figured it out yet, but I tend to be non-committal to certain things...)

Anyway, my month ran up last week and I spent the next 7 days going back and forth.  Although it may not seem like a lot, right now, $75 is an investment for me financially.  It's 3 nights out to eat; its 3 movies (ugh, I hate even saying that); its chairs for our neglected balcony; its 3/4ths of a day at Disneyland.  I've been trying to be better about "impulse" shopping, and allowing myself to sleep on something before buying it, regardless of what it is.  I slept on this for SEVEN days.  SEVEN!

I finally decided that I was going to let the universe guide me with this.  I was in desperate need of some restorative, so I made a plan that I'd go to restorative Tuesday night, and on my way in, inquire about the $75 deal.  If it was available, I'd sign up.  If it wasn't, I'd buy a series (way less of a deal) and chalk it up to the fact that the universe did not deem me ready.

The owner was actually working the desk when I arrived, and I introduced myself.  I asked about the deal, and he said there was just a few spots left.  I immediately signed up, and we began talking about the studio.  I mentioned that financials are all relative, but $75 a month is definitely an investment on my end, but I felt really good about it, and I was committing.  He gave me a high five and said, "you are going to see a return on this investment throughout everything in your life."  And it is 100% true.  It may not be instantaneous, and it may take practice (after all, that's what yoga is) but it will certainly come back to me in ways I probably can't even imagine.  That's what an investment is after all, right?  Something you will see results from weeks, months or years down the road.

For $75 I'm on board to see just what those returns are.

The 'a-ha!' moment. Or, why yoga is kind of amazing.

I've always been a true believer that the universe works its magic in mysterious ways. I wouldn't say I'm new-age crazy, but I have asked the universe for things and it has given them to me, so I can at least say that personally, that crazy stuff works.  I also think that, in times of need, whether we are aware or not, the universe gives us signs or perhaps lessons that'll help us out.

This past weekend's two yoga classes were very, very clear examples of this.

Saturday morning, I went to an early hatha class, which may very well be my new favorite kind of yoga (next to restorative, or as my yogi called it, 'creative naptime').  As I've mentioned before, the instructor is a big fan of having the class ask questions, and trying to relate whatever the answers are to our practice for the day.  I don't remember the question that was asked, but Saturday's class was all about change.

Here is the basic explanation: the only constant, from the time we are born until the time we die, is breathing.  Everything else is changing, and changing constantly.  When you go to bed at night, you are one person, and when you wake up, you are a different person.  You could look at it biologically - your cells are getting older as each second goes past.  You could look at it logically - I was tired last night, I went to sleep, and now I am not tired, therefore, change!  Whether we're aware of it or not, we are always changing, and if we fight the change, if we try to walk against the tide, we're just causing ourselves suffering, and the whole point of yoga (and the meaning of life) is to find and sustain joy.  See the circle here?  I'm not doing a great job of explaining it, but just go with me on this one.

I very much try to take the lessons I learn in yoga and incorporate them on a day to day basis, as they are important and truly have given me a lot of perspective, but sometimes... sometimes it is easy to forget them.  But this lesson I haven't forgotten.  I mean, look!  It's Thursday, and I'm still yammering on about breathing being a constant and I'm a different person today and yada yada yada, right?  Obviously it hit home.

This lesson was brought back up during my Sunday morning vinyasa class, and I wondered if the instructors had some sort of pow-wow where they were like, "here's this week's theme!"  Perhaps.  Either way, keeping that mentality has helped me cope with a lot of things this week, and I'm very grateful for the universe for bringing me this lesson.

What is the best lesson the map has taught you?

The meaning of life!

I managed to make it to yoga again last night, this time for an all-levels hatha class.  (Two days in a row? Holla!) I had no idea what to expect, so I went into it ready to just dive into whatever we were doing, despite still being super sore from Sunday.

It was a great class that was slow moving with more focus on finding your breathing rhythm.  The instructor, David, had an approach that I thought was really interesting - he wanted us to ask questions.  Not just metaphysical "what's the meaning of life" type stuff (although he did answer that, spoiler alert, its sustained joy!) but also things like "why does my back hurt?" and "is it normal that my knee makes that weird popping sound?"  The girl on the mat next to me mentioned she was having some neck pain from acupuncture, and the other two classmates echoed similar pains in the neck and shoulders, so he adjusted the class to really work on those places and alleviate whatever pains we were having, which was great.

The one thing he said that I really thought about for quite some time after was in regards to headstands.  I have very little upper body strength.  I can do one push up, maybe two if you forced me.  Because of this, I actually struggle with downward facing dog, which is used in every yoga class I do and always becomes a frustration.  One person in class echoed a similar sentiment when discussing headstands, saying that her neck always bothered her afterwards, and he very genuinely responded with "don't do them, then."

Say what?!

In my experience, whenever someone complains or struggles with a certain pose, the instructor teaches them variations to build up to that pose.  Yet, in this case, David very much supported the idea of not doing headstands.  His explanation was pretty simple - yoga is supposed to lengthen, stretch and strengthen.  If you're doing something that is doing the opposite of those things, and/or is causing you pain, and repeatedly, then you probably aren't meant to do that thing.  He mentioned that although he could do a headstand over and over again, it really bothered his back, and the whole point of yoga is to find a path to joy, not pain. 

The philosophy made perfect sense, but it was something I had never really thought about logically.  But it makes sense - why force yourself to do something that continually causes you pain?  I suppose that sort of mentality could be used in so many ways in our lives.  Definitely something to think about.

I'm taking a break tonight and possibly doing something I've never done before (more on that later) but am planning on getting back into the swing of things tomorrow night with some restorative.  Which is all just in preparation for the 4 hours of binge eating I'll be partaking in at the LA Street Food Fest on Saturday.  Hell, yes.

WTFasana Update: opening chakra's can really screw with you.

Part of the reason why I was so eager to give this challenge a shot was knowing that I could try different kinds of yoga.  I will admit that I am pretty much the lamest half-yogi ever - I stick with basics or beginners classes because I feel that my breathing needs serious work and I know very few poses.  Because of this, the classes are never challenging necessarily, and I never break a sweat.  Ever.

Since I had been putting off starting this darn challenge for so long, a 10 am vinyasa and meditation class on Sunday morning was the first class I could take.  C joined me, wanting to check out the studio, and we were greeted with a wonderfully warm welcome.  It also doesn't hurt that it is bright and airy, has changing rooms, and a shower.  Plus plus plus!

We were in this class with 2 others, and the instructor, Rebecca, spent the beginning discussing how she focuses on the Tibetan teachings (and how thrilled she is for the Dalai Lama to visit LA next summer!) and drew a super simple diagram that explained what yoga practice is supposed to do.  She was also very grounded and not precious at all, which was fantastic.

She began to lead us through a few different flows, and I immediately started sweating.  Over the course of the next hour and a half, I could not believe how sweaty I was.  At one point, she brought over a strap to my mat and laid it where my hands would go, letting me know that her hands get super sweaty during yoga and this helps keep them stable.  She also assisted me through half moon (I couldn't get my legs straight, so she helped guide and stabilize me) AND my first shoulder stand.  I know that when practicing yoga you should check your ego at the door, but I couldn't help but beam (at least, internally) when she congratulated me on being able to extend my feet up during my shoulder stand.

Afterwards, we headed home, both eagerly anticipating an afternoon nap, and I got hit with this crazy, gut-wrenching emotional feeling.  I couldn't shake it.  I tried taking a shower, taking deep breaths, whatever, but it was just awful.  It was tear inducing.  C had to calm me down and remind me that the flows we were doing were geared towards opening chakras, and sometimes, when you bottle up certain emotions, they come raging back in this fashion.  I remembered the instruction explaining how each of our flows was focusing on certain chakras, but I didn't think I'd have this kind of reaction!

I've always been a little skeptical of anyone who says they have some sort of crazy release like this post-yoga, but I realize that's because my yoga practice has been so minute and conservative.  Clearly I needed this release, and felt much, MUCH better after my nap and a glass of wine with some good friends, and I'm definitely going to be going back to this class this coming weekend, with hopefully a more positive reaction to the chakra opening.  Maybe this time I'll leave class skipping with joy...?

--

For a very easy and brief explanation on chakras, look here.

WTFasana Challenge Update: I haven't gone to yoga.

Since Jillian checked in and expressed how her challenge was going 3,000 miles away, I thought that it was only fair I did the same.  However, for every class Jillian has taken, I have taken... zero.  That's right.  Look at me, I come up with this whole challenge and make a big deal out of it and still have yet to take a yoga class.  I could sit here and list all the excuses (most valid, a few questionable) but at the end of the day, that's what they are - excuses.  I can acknowledge them, and move onwards, and that is what I'm going to do.  (In case anyone was curious, some of the excuses are, but not limited to, being at my boss' house all day while construction is happening, having a weekend chock full of plans with no wiggle room, etc.)

I will say that even though I have yet to make it to a class (I have one on the books for tonight, one on Saturday and TWO on Sunday, I hope) I have still maintained a level of consistent exercise.  C and I have tried each night to walk a brisk 2 miles, and have done so for about a little over a month now, and let me tell you - I can feel a difference in my energy level, even if it's a slight one.  Even on Saturday at Disneyland, we lasted way longer on our feet before needing a break than ever before, and I chalk all of that up to the consistent walking we're doing.  If my energy is improving just for walking 2 miles a night, I can only imagine how much it'll improve after doing yoga 5 times a week!  (I may also alternatively find myself crazy tired and in bed at 9 pm.  Which oddly sounds really nice right now.)

*Side note: Jillian is currently spending 3 days at the rockin' Wanderlust festival in Vermont.  Jealous?  Yes.  Go cheer her on!

Mary Poppins is NOT practically perfect in every way...

...in fact, she was a bit of a disappointment.  But Disneyland, overall, was not.

Last week, one of C's friends asked him why I loved Disneyland so much, and his half joking response was "the magic."  I say half joking because, although it sounds cliche and funny, it is actually true.

There are, I think, three types of people in this world: those who love Disney and allow it's magic to take over while they're there, those who can appreciate it for the most part but are also acutely aware of reality, and then those who vehemently keep a strong distance from getting wrapped up in it.  I am of the first type, and have been asked why I would want to keep going back to do the same thing often.  The best way I can answer that is by saying that each time is a different experience, and that is what I love most about visiting the Disney parks.

This time around was no exception to that rule.  We compromised on an arrival time of 9 am - C normally likes to arrive around 10ish, and I really wanted to get there at 8 (I now worry that the park will hit capacity before we get there - hasn't happened yet but I still freak out about it) so 9 am was a fair compromise.  Since we got up earlier than expected, made it through breakfast quickly, and hit zero traffic on the way there, we actually got to the park around 8:15.  C really didn't understand the appeal to arriving so early, and as we walked to Main Street, I tried pointing out how quiet it was.  We began walking towards the restroom around the same time that the Mad Hatter and Alice were heading backstage, and the Mad Hatter asked where we were going.  I quietly mentioned the restroom, and he grabbed my hand and began to rush me down the path, telling me I wasn't moving fast enough.  It was nothing I could have planned and therefore that much more of a "moment," and something we laughed about throughout the day.

My other favorite moment was our trip on the Mark Twain Riverboat.  In all the times I've been, and the times we've been together, we've never had an interest in taking a ride on the riverboat, but the lack of crowds on Saturday (seriously, the park was pretty quiet for a Saturday in June!) got us in the mindset of trying things we hadn't done before.  We walked right on to the boat, and I really wanted to grab a seat and relax, but C wanted to sit on the top deck, so up we went.  As we approached the top deck, I passed two cast members, both in captains gear, and one pointed at me and said "maybe she'll want to help you."  Knowing from experience that a cast member asking you to do something always leads to something awesome, I volunteered, even though I hadn't a clue what I was volunteering for.  The captain then asked if we wanted to help him "drive" the boat.  Uh, yes!

Even though you aren't actually driving the boat (its on a track under water and is propelled by a cast member who controls its speed in a totally different room) you do get to blow the whistle and ring the bell.  We also got to sign the guest book (awesome!) and learn about old attractions and some park history from the captain, Ryan.  Ryan mentioned he'd been working for Disney for 7 years - say what you will about the House of Mouse being an "evil empire" but its employees truly do love what they do.  Seeing the park from this vantage point was very cool, and although we found out that you can always ask to ride in the wheelhouse, we decided to keep this a "once in a lifetime" sort of thing.

Just to make sure I get in a little fitness mention, C wore his FitBit the whole day to see just how many miles we walked.  Want to guess how many?  We were there for 14 hours and we walked... 12.5 miles.  Almost a half marathon!  I'm also of the mindset that calories you consume at a theme park don't actually count, and the FitBit actually proved us right - C entered in everything he had eaten that day (popcorn, ice cream, meatloaf, ice cream, etc.) and because of the mileage we walked, he had burned 3,000+ calories, so even after entering in all that food, he had tons of calories to spare.

I'm sad that the day is over (and it goes by so quickly) but am glad that we had another great experience.  I think I'm finally turning C into a fan. :)

(To briefly reference my post title, the only disappointing thing during our day was Mary Poppins' lack of personality.  She was too consumed with trying to find Bert (I'm not making this up) and by the time I got to take my picture with her, she only asked where I was from.  Yawn.)